Monday, September 25, 2006 Listening to: - I'm getting sick of people. It seems to me that this is an unfair statement. I've always considered myself open-minded and have tried to be understanding of people as much as I can. But right now, they annoy me. People are constantly letting me down. And I can't say that I truly admire anyone right now. People are bitter, mean, disgusting, filthy, too timid, annoying, secretive, cocky, busy, whiny, redundant. I don't know. It shouldn't be anything to complain about. But I can't stand it right now. I just need someone to impress me...somebody who's just perfect. I know it's a lot to ask for but I think maybe they exist out there. I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess I used to be so idealistic and now it's just gone. I'm sitting on top of an adventure but I just can't seem to start it. .....x....X....summoned @ 12:55 a.m.

	Monday, August 14, 2006 Listening to: - It's 1:30 AM on a Monday and I'm crying myself to sleep. There can only be one reason for this. .....x....X....summoned @ 01:30 a.m.

	Monday, July 10, 2006 Listening to: - I feel as if I might have to retire this layout soon...even though it's been up here for so long and it's still my favorite. Life is fast and crazy. I would have so much to say in here but...i dunno. Right now doesn't seem like a good time for me to put it all down. Hm. Maybe tomorrow =P. .....x....X....summoned @ 01:35 a.m.

	Friday, December 16, 2005 Listening to: Ambulance Ltd. - Ophelia This is from a past life. It still amazes me how much and fast things change. I look at this page and everything is simply so old. It seems ages ago that I created this design and I listed those likes and dislikes and was so interested in anime. It makes me realize how much I've changed and how much my high school years and my college years have done that. I've really grown up and I can actually see it right in front of me. Everything is so blank... .....x....X....summoned @ 08:21 p.m.

	Monday, November 7, 2005 Listening to: Foo Fighters - Everlong So it turns out there's more to this story to tell. I've finally had a moment to stop and step back in awe. Look at how quickly this semester has played out. Things happen so fast and even though I've said it so many times before, I can't help but be amazed. The ups and downs. We are headed for two months and only now have I been truly shaken. It's so frustrating for me when he gets upset with me and I don't know why. Is there something that I'm doing wrong? A while ago he told me he loved me while he was drunk. Not exactly my ideal. But he said it again some time after. Did he mean it? I don't know. But I do know that everytime I said it back, I absolutely meant it. Lately we don't say it anymore. I don't know what to think. So I don't think about it. Psh. Even so, I love every minute I'm with him. The lilies finally had to go but they were so beautiful while they lasted. Sushi House was deliciously delectable and the late night run to Denny's was a blast, especially the first time when there was a hold up there and we couldn't actually go in, haha. Our first "date" when we went to get ice cream and then walked up to the Barrows balcony and just talked and then drove up to Tilden park and stayed there far into the night. All the concerts: The Decembrists, The Arcade Fire, WEEZER...all incredible. Sigh. Everything. I don't want to forget anything. Except for perhaps this small dilemma at the current moment that causes doubt and fear to grow in my mind. Why...WHY did he have to mention the suggestion of breaking up or taking a break. It scared me half to death and it's haunting me to this hour. I can't stand it. But I don't feel like communicating with anyone right now. I just want to curl up in my own little bubble and be alone. In other news, lots of new toys this semester. Snowboard and drum set, WOO WOO. Drumming is pretty much one of the most awesome things I've ever learned how to do. I love it. Sigh...maybe it's the rain. As much as I like rain, it does something to my mood. Can't stand this limbo anymore. .....x....X....summoned @ 09:45 p.m.

	Friday, September 23, 2005 Listening to: Yellowcard - Rough Draft It's only been one day and I already miss him so much. .....x....X....summoned @ 09:46 p.m.

	Thursday, September 22, 2005 Listening to: - I don't want to do this again. I'm helpless. Is there anything I can do? I depend too much on others. And for some reason, nobody can follow through. Please follow through this time... Maybe I don't know what I really want either. Maybe in the long run this could turn out to be an awful fiasco. But right now, I simply can't see that happening. He is my best friend. Isn't it natural that someday I would fall in love with him? And yet, for such a beautiful feeling, it fills me with doubt and fear. I guess I would say that whatever happens...it doesn't really matter. Because he will always, always be my best friend. But even so...can things really work out so perfectly? I won't be able to deny the fact that from now on, I'll forever carry this scar - a deeper feeling hidden behind a surface of friendship. I know he really likes me. But that doesn't matter. What matters is how much. Is it enough to put certain things at risk? This is what I needed to know beforehand. Because look at how quickly I fall. It's too easy for me. It's not the same thing all over again. Sweaters were so much different. Yet...truly it's almost the same case. He was my best friend. Best friends don't break each other's hearts. I'm so scared. Why am I so helpless? Everything rests in your hands and I almost fear your decision. I want to be happy. And I want to be happy with you. I already miss our naps on the grass. .....x....X....summoned @ 04:39 p.m.

	Saturday, August 20, 2005 Listening to: Allister - Scratch Everything happens so fast. Summer closed out like a fast and violent wave. It's so hard for me to believe that just a few months ago I was bawling in my bunk in Putnam and now I'm already getting ready to move back up north. I got back here ages ago. And yet, the fact that I'm leaving already seems incredulous. So soon? How can it be?! I had fallen into such a routine that only now have I begun to realize how much I'm going to miss. This summer was no doubt one of the least eventful...but San Diego is magical either way. I love this place. I love being here, no matter what. And I'm going to miss it terribly. This room is the only place that has ever felt truly my own. My bed, my desk, my shelves, and all my posessions, all safely bundled into this little room. I feel so naturally at home here. It's what I've known for so much of my life and I'm attached to it. Everytime I'm forced to let go, it gets harder. I suppose leaving for school this second time around is much more difficult that the first. The first had so much excitement, anticipation. Now it has been replaced by fear and stress. Of course I want to see everybody again. Of course I look forward to more good times ahead. But I can't help but be afraid of all those relationships I'm going to have to face again and all those situations I'm going to have ot deal with. Everything is always so much safer here. It's my shell. I can hide here and listen, unscathed, to all the drama that occurs far, far away from me. But no. Eventually I will have to face it anyway. I suppose now is the time... But still...it all just seems so fast. Where did this summer go? Summers are always so fleeting... Already, my memories of the beginning are starting to fade. The hasty job search and early surfing days. What am I going to do without the waves, the smell of ocean and surf wax everywhere. My dear new short board which I've only just begun to get the hang of. Friends who understand me simply and only want to extract the most joy in the moment. Smiling until your face muscles hurt. Driving down my hometown streets in the moonlight... I don't know. I wish I could just slow it down. Slow down this quick pace of life. .....x....X....summoned @ 12:37 a.m.

	Monday, July 25, 2005 Listening to: Hot Hot Heat - Middle of Nowhere There's nothing to tell anymore. Can my story really be over, before it even began? Life simply fades in and out of a dull consciousness. The colors have all been washed out into a endless grey that stretches on and on. I'm in spot where there's nothing to reminisce and nothing to look forward to. I'm in the middle of nowhere. .....x....X....summoned @ 12:29 a.m.

	Tuesday, July 12, 2005 Listening to: Avril Lavigne - Fall To Pieces Even my ears are numb. I'm scared of the time when the numbness wears off and I'm forced to feel the pain of it all straight on. Ahh. It's the strangest thing, not being able to feel your tongue. I'm aware that it's there but there are no senses coming from it. Touching my cheeks, my chin, and my lips is so weird when those parts of me can't feel back. It makes my skin feel smoother, haha. Is it just me or is some of the pain already starting to seep through? Noo...I'm scared...meep! .....x....X....summoned @ 08:12 p.m.